The Lord appeared to him from afar, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with loving kindness. Again I will build you up, and you shall be rebuilt, O virgin of Israel ! Again you shall tae up your tambourines and go and dance with the merrymakers.” ~ Jeremiah 31:3-4 I grew up in a Christian home. Both my parents knew Jesus and they introduced me to Him at a young age. When I was four years old I remember riding in the car with my mother and asking her how I get to heaven. She explained to me that all I needed to do was ask Jesus into my heart. So there, sitting at a stoplight I asked Jesus to come into my life, forgive my sins, and give me eternal life. Although I had accepted Christ, God didn't become real to me until I was a teenager. In junior high I struggled a lot with low self esteem, difficulty making friends, rejection, anger and depression. Through my mother, and other older Christians I began to see that God was real, and that he desired to have a relationship with me. I realized that no matter what was happening in my life or how I felt, Jesus was always there and he loved me more than I can ever grasp. At the age of 14 I made my relationship with Christ my own. I rededicated my life to Him, and began living for Christ. My faith grew in leaps and bounds. I began reading my bible, praying, and spending time daily with God. I couldn't get enough of Him. I was baptized then at the age of 16, to make a public confession of my choice to follow Christ. Then one day everything changed. On May second, 1999, my youngest sister Hayley died. It was very sudden. She was a happy, healthy little girl one day, and the next day she stopped breathing in my mothers arms. It was the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. The months following my sister's death were the most difficult and the most trying times I have ever been through. Doubt, anger, and depression filled my life. That fall, my family was excited to learn that my mom was pregnant. It had taken my parents years before my mom got pregnant with Hayley, so we were all very excited, and hopeful. While a new baby would never replace Hayley, it would bring some healing to our hearts. Six weeks into the pregnancy, my mom had a miscarriage. And that marked the beginning of a downward spiral that my life took. The two and a half years that followed my sisters death, were full of attacks from the enemy on my family. We would barely recover from one, when another would hit. My faith seemed as though it were only a tiny thread, I couldn't see it anymore, and I could just barely hang on. I built walls up around my heart. I built these walls to protect me, so I wouldn't be able to be hurt by anything else that happened. But in reality, in building these walls I separated myself from the only one who could bring true healing, and that was Jesus. My life was void of joy, and of peace. I felt as though God had simply abandoned me. He gave me all these burdens to deal with and then just left me there. Standing on the edge of a cliff with no where to go. Then something amazing happened. Even though I tried to separate myself from God, He never gave up on me. He called me to go on a mission trip to Ecuador , and despite all my struggles I obeyed Him. One night during our evening service God spoke to me. And for the first time in nearly three years I heard His voice. I realized, again, that He was never gone. And that the only way I could be healed was to allow Him back in my life. So, there, kneeling on the carpeted banquet hall in a hotel in Ecuador , I laid all my burdens at Jesus feet. I allowed Him complete access to my heart. And He began to heal me, and restore me. He built me up again. I was rebuilt. And again I was able to take my tambourines and dance for Him joyfully. Since that evening in Ecuador , I have continued to allow God complete access to me, and to my heart. My struggles and my grief haven't left me. But now I am able to realize and rejoice in the fact that through it all God is with me. And He never stops loving me. I know God isn't through with me yet. Not in the least. Everyday as I invest in my relationship with Him, He continues to change me and mold me into the woman of God He has created me to be. Its an adventure, and I wouldn't forsake it for the world! |